I’m proud of myself.

I could say 378426935 things that I wish I’d do different, 

but,

at the end of the day, 

I am proud of who I am.

<3

God’s peace. ‘Nough said. I am a happy soul <3 

Reminder: You can’t control everything, but you can control your own actions.

In every situation i have an idea of what it’s perfection would look like, and i get dissapointed when it doesnt play out just as so. But maybe i need find trust in perfection being whatever happens as long as I am in control of and proud of my contribution to it all. 

Maybe perfection is letting life take its course while taking your own.

I have so much going on emotionally that I don’t even know where to start. 

“I know way too many people here right now
That I didn’t know last year, who the fuck are y’all?”

Basically, that quote begins unraveling one of my most recent, personal understandings. I never had problems with people, there wasn’t much opportunity for me not to like someone and vice versa. Over the past year I’ve met a lot of people. Noting wrong with that, I’ve always loved meeting people. Only thing is, this year I found myself having issues with some of them. Mostly mentally, I’m not the type to verbally announce or physically make known that I don’t particularly like someone. I’ve got good enough reasons to not be fond of every single  person i’ve caught myself thinking negatively about and it’s a shame. First, and in no order, because most of them I only met these last 12 months. Second, because they’re from a past and present which I observe as tainted. Third, these people are not worth my time. Yet, i am sensitive to their being and it effects me constantly.

So much anger resides in me, so much distress that does not belong in the body of someone like me. I’m neither less nor more, but equal. Different but content, someone who is known for having a permanent and real smile on her face at all times. And here I find that glow dimming. 

I’m from a place far different from the rest of the world. The world and I do not understand each other. It makes it an awfully tough place to live. I am truly, deeply satisfied with so much. My life is a blessing and I will never forget to acknowledge it as so. But, I’ve become incredibly disappointed in what I’ve been introduced to, in what I’ve been among.

I can’t escape the term, “insecure.” Not because I feel victim of it, I feel people have put me under a box that proclaims that insecure is who I am. If circumstances and situations and ideas make me feel uncomfortable, I make sure that I study exactly why and every time I have an answer. It is okay for me to not understand nor like something. That does not make feel less of who I am. It merely and significantly brings pain because no one understands or feels things the way I do, so therefore, I continue to have to live and deal with the discomfort I find in and of the people who work the way the world does. 

I’m losing patience and hope for things once desired in heart. I am not insecure for having a problem and a reason for so. I am confident because I stand up and voice my opinions with caution, no judgement, and deep insight. It’s hard knowing that of myself and knowing that I don;t need to explain myself to anyone. But with out explanation, and even with, their thoughts will remain the same. as will mine.

So much I have yet to say.

I’m finding that I might only overestimate & underestimate.

damn it, that sucks.

I don’t like forgetting how someone once made me feel. Because soon enough I remember again, and I rethink the kindness I’ve given and realize how I went out of my way to acheive happiness on their behalf when at one point I told myself they didn’t deserve it.

This is frustrating.

Im continuously being told that I need to let go of my expectation for people. But we must have expectations or we will have sucky people in our lives. Mustn’t we?

I still have expectations.

I’m looking for something. If i give myself time to think about it, I could probably pinpoint what that something is — directly down to the how-to-get-it. But I’m tired, maybe even a little scared. To open doors to some things, it might mean closing doors to others—and what if I can’t get myself to do that. 

It’s so funny, like when you’ve got a word, or a song title at the tip of your tongue, you know it, you just cant remember it right at that second, but it’s right there. I guess that’s a lot like this scenario I’ve got puzzling around. 

& don’t get me thinking about doors swinging closed with people behind them. God knows I’ve got a few issues with some people, & I  know I ain’t perfect so that in itself is another equation I will have to dedicate some time toward. 

People are often oxymorons, aren’t we. I’m sitting here thinking and “looking” for an answer, but in reality, I must not want it badly, or want it right now, because i’m not allowing myself to see.

We blind ourselves with our own hands.